There is a Hole in My Soul

Suddenly there is a hole in my soul when you left
It appeared in an instant like the aftermath of an earthquake
Just as unexpected, just as devastating, and just as unwelcome
Lives in turmoil, peace is shattered, joy is forgotten

I can’t believe how big it is… Grand Canyon big
How wide, how deep, how empty
There doesn’t seem to be a bottom
Just vast whole-less-ness as far as you can see

Like a large puzzle with unique pieces missing
It seems complete but can never be
Pieces on other people look like they might fit…
    That sly smile, that quick wit, that sharp enquiring mind
But there is no peace in those pieces

So I try to fill the hole with memories
Memories that are already starting to fade
I also fill the hole with dreams
Dreams we shared and dreams we hoped for

But like a black hole in the vast universe
Dreams, memories, words, and pictures
All get sucked in without filling the hole…
Without putting the universe back the way it was

Some days the hole is smaller or seems to be
Like living next to a mountain each day,
The hole becomes so familiar it disappears into the landscape
    But, like the mountain, it is not really gone anywhere
Then without warning the hole is back

Then there is hope in spite of the hole
The God of Mystery and Majesty that brought us together,
Gives me just enough healing for one day…
   Just enough love to see me through a day…
Just enough faith to move that mountain of a hole

 

By Ryan’s Uncle John Hastings
November 19, 2000
in Memory of Ryan Clark Hastings
April 20, 1984 - November 2, 2000

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